When a neighbor’s home was burglarized, I decided to be more safety conscious. But my measly front-door lock wasn’t going to stop anyone, so I hung this sign outside: “Nancy, don’t come in. The snake is loose. Mom.”

How many times have you 
committed suicide?”
“Were you alone or by yourself?”
“Was it you or your brother who was killed?”
“Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next.”
“Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”
“Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, 
he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”

My husband was driving 
home from work when he was 
pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Two days later—same ticket, same cop.
“So,” the officer said, “have you learned anything?”
“Yes, I have,” said my husband. “I’ve learned I need to take a 
different way home from work.”

A defendant isn’t happy with 
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.
Judge: “Where do you work?”
Defendant: “Here and there.”
Judge: “What do you do for 
a living?”
Defendant: “This and that.”
Judge: “Take him away.”
Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”
Judge: “Sooner or later.”

Submitted by Pate Ferry, Mesa, Arizona

It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.”

Elaine Schyve, Cohocton, New York

MikeUnderscore2004@yahoo.com
MikeAtYahooDotCom@hotmail.com
Mike_WardAllOneWord@yahoo.com
AAAAAAThatsSixAs@yahoo.com
1OneTheFirstJustTheNumberTheSecondSpelledOut@hotmail.com

Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.